Standard intro (see above)…
It's been a slow, boring news week and rather than struggle to make something exciting out of that mess, we turn to the rarest of Moon River toasts, the Jigger of Smarts! Tonight's brief symposium will be on the subject of the Hippopotamus amphibius.
The hippopotamus or "river horse" is the third largest land animal in the world and lives in the rivers and lakes of central and southern Africa. It is also the heaviest extant artiodactyl – Andrew can tell you what that means – even though it is considerably shorter than the giraffe. Their closest living relative is the whale or porpoise.
The hippopotamus is one of the most aggressive creatures in the world and is often regarded as the most ferocious animal in Africa, even though it spends much of its day lounging around in the mud and eating grasses. When not eating or lounging around in the mud, most of the hippopotamuses' lives – including childbirth, reproduction and territorial battles – occur in the water.
It was long thought that hippos sweated blood, but this red-orange secretion is actually a natural sunscreen with antibacterial properties.
The last thing many Africans see is a hippo. The last thing a hippo sees is usually a lion or a crocodile. The end.
Now, SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR BEER!
